| at 4:25 am. |
[09 Mar 2007|04:25am] |
whatdoidowhatdoidoimnotthatgirlimnotthatgirlwowthishurtswhatthefuckimsolost.
So yeah im sitting on Matts couch...Been crying for A HOUR now. Im watching some dumbfuck that sucks horribly on food network. Missing/wanting/wishing.
Itsallabouthimanyway
Sometimes I honestly think he does not give a shit about me at all...its all fake? I sit back and think would a real man do this? Not so much a real one but one in general. Wouldnt a Man care if his love was afraid? Wouldnt it bother him in some way to know she was angry? Matt doesnt fucking care when im upset anymore, he acts like its nothing, as if it doesnt bother him and just waits for me to get over it and trust me...I always get over it.....
I just want someone to give a damn.
Mission: at least 21 jagerbombs and 21 jello shots. I want to be hiding in the closet crying by 6. This birthday as well as all the others is most likely going to suck ass horribly.
TYPICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck it. I dont know what to do......
Everyone said I would end up resenting him...im afraid of that.
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| call me a bitch but |
[29 Jan 2007|10:09am] |
i seriously hate ugly people sometimes.
and not just ugly in the looks dept, but everything else.
I really wish she would die.
the worst part is...hes talking to her....
shes talking back. hes starting it.
god damn.
plus the name kristen is totally gay.
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| Give up. |
[13 Sep 2006|04:08pm] |
Its never going to work, give up now before it hurts too bad.
I dont know what to do honestly. Im scared.
Wall is raising..slowly but surely.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday- Anniv. 1 Month.
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| Yeah, you bleed just to know youre alive... |
[23 Jul 2006|12:09pm] |
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mood |
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 Hung the fuck over |
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So...lets start with Friday-
Hmm...shit what did happen Friday?
Oh haha! Allies pre birthday party:
The Gatlinburg crew...eating cake and drinking. Storms, Thunder & Lightning. Proved to be successful.
Berlinda yelling at me to get off the phone because she cant see the road after one two many Absolute Apeach Vodka Screwdrivers...I was infact drunk dialing.
So I made it home. To my parents that is.
Side Note- I am in the process of moving again because now I have to buy a new car and I cant affoard my rent anymore so yeah. Soon I will be living with my Grans.
Amanda calls...I jump all over it and we go cruising with a girl named Rachel who just had her nippys pierced. She was a cool cat.
So Amanda and Rachel and I head out to Sonic where we get our slushies of choice then back to Linger Lake ( where Amanda lives now) for some MORE vodka fuel. :)
We spiked the cups heavily. Then back off to our Cruising expierence. So lets total all this up: Im fucking drunk already not to mention I had taken a Hydro. Im in the middle of town with all the Crosstitues and their lovely Crosstaches from being on birthcontrol since pre 14 yrs. The girls here are seriously gross. Remember I warned you.
There are cops everywhere. [For some reason I cant tolerate cruising unless im drunk. ]
Therefore I get completely paranoid.
So around 2:30 AM....( yes there are a series of events I have forgotten from 12-2:30)
We head out to go to the Roane Co lookout...you know the place with the house and the firetower? You can see all of Harriman and Rockwood from atop the mountain! There totally isnt supposed to be anyone up there we were sure of it I mean come on its 3:30 their time.
So we head up the winding hilly narrow road....just for shits and giggles...
Blue lights/Spot Light.
" Ladies, what you up to tonight" Amanda [drunk and driving] " Officer we just came to see the lights"
" well you know this place closes at 11pm now because of the house burning right? "
" No sir, were not from here" " Oh well where are you from?" " Crossville..." " well god bless yuns, go on up and take youre time, enjoy the view" " yes sir" .
He was infact amazing! He waived to us as we left and I just wanted to go hug him.
So I called SUNRISE! ( we headed down the mountain)
Which is a code between Amanda and I and only we fully understand. Rachel asked questions which is a big NO NO once the word has been spoken.
We went looking and found our sunrise on the Tansi Beach at 5:30 AM. I also found a dead fish [buried him and placed a duck feather at his head]
Then I had to poop. No bathrooms around so the sunrise was interrupted by my need to take shit. We headed to find a bathroom. Found one. Im totally drunk and cant figure out the soap dispenser.
I get home at 6:30AM. Crash with much lovings to lexi.
Slept till 4 yesterday afternoon and missed the sex party. :(
Britt calls...
we plan. Plain and simple planning period.
We go to sonic at 8 for some peach sweet tea...I emptied half the cup and refueled with some more Absolute.
Parents come home....im buzzed. ( they said " no drinking and driving" I said " Im not" therefore it wasnt a lie because I wasnt driving!)
Most of the tea is gone so I pour in the rest of my Absolute all of it. Its gone.
The tea is like straight shots! So Amanda and Britt and I meet up to go back to town.
Side note- Fuck this place is boring!
Cruising happens again! Im even more drunk then before. Allie calls around 11 ish? We pick her up.
Make fun of the skanks and trashy people then we do some stalking and shit...all the usuals.
We end up at Amandas for some chill time right? She offers me more vodka with some Hawiian Punch and I accept. The vodka makes me want to throw up ( I threw up in the church parking lot prior to this mind you) She calls me a sissy...and I down it.
Buzz is definitely back. We head back to town for the redneck gathering at the rec park. They make me laugh, Allie says schfuck. I threw up again.
Vomit is not cool.
More cops, more paranoia.
Some time in the midst of the puking and paranoia I send a series of random txts to Adam and Gabe which I only recall because I got to reread them this morning when I woke up.
Hmmmmm......................................................................................................
So I dont remember exactly what happened after that but I ended up home and in bed.
And that my friends was a weekend and a half!
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[15 Jun 2006|04:22pm] |
You rip my insides out just a little and ive been contemplating suicide all day
hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didnt do for you...
someone better hide the benedryl because when I get home, Im getting trashed. Fuck working tomorrow
fuck breathing today.....
Fuck feeling most of all.
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[06 Jun 2006|03:09pm] |
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Is anyone still out there?
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[22 Mar 2006|10:21am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
So here it goes.....
I am a bad person right now
I intentionally hurt people who mean something to me out of the fear that they might hurt me first.
I want to find myself. I want to wipe my slate clean. I try to make myself a good person but in reality I am anything but.
I have some people to mention:
Rob Evans: you have helped me and been there for me more than you will ever know.
Turley: To the greatest true friend I have ever had, I love you. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to a whole other world. Most of all, you saved my life.
Ryan: " God" where would I be without you.
I am lost once again. It seems like trying to find yourself is an endless search.
I am an attention whore.
I do have self pity.
I do rely on people to make me feel better instead of making myself feel better.
I want to fix myself I really do. I want to find out what I enjoy. I dont want to be influenced anymore.
To everyone I have hurt in the past and everyone I will hurt in the future: I am sorry. Really I am.
Im the one who needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and figure things out.
Where do I go from here?
I need help.
Please help me?
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[15 Mar 2006|08:37am] |
So uh Hey,
Hows it goin?
Whats new in your life?
Anything I should know about?
Update me dogg!
PS...myspace is a whore, but im addicted. I wish I wasnt though.
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[13 Mar 2006|01:00pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
going to see NIN tonight....
omfg.
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[07 Mar 2006|08:59am] |
This is definitely not what I had in mind when I started writing down my PERSONAL thoughts and feelings into a blog.
This is real life drama, between real life friends.
I always knew it was better to live in cyberspace.
Everyone talks about what I write in my journal amongst themselves.
So its my fault
Like always.
TAKE ME AWAY!
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| Whatever. Its not real. |
[31 Jan 2006|02:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
So heres for an update....things are messed up right now but hey theyre supposed to be.
I need some time to myself. Im going to take it this weekend. Nobody, nothing, just me and my brain...and maybe some Sonic?
I dont even know where to start with the whold Ben ordeal...its not bad, its not good, its just there.
I dont touch him, ask him what hes thinking, or even acknowledge his existance when things are in full swing....because it doesnt feel right anymore.
Adam and I got into it Saturday and I was crushed for a whole minute then ofcourse our fight turn around time is zero so things are fine now...as long as those skanks never grace me again.
Uhm....some stuff got broke and I got mad...and im still a little iffy about it.
Hmm...Im starting to think I miss Josie a little...actually a lot now that my birthday is coming around again and I dont have her trying to commit suicide.
Im going to buy some tapers to help me with the ear stretching thing. Ill probably stop at like 0.
My artist inside has turned to shit. Thats what happens when you pay it no attention.
Im so in love with Fall Out Boy -Dance, Dance.
Pacie and Allie and Me went off roading Sunday for one of the best days of my life.
Im dirt poor. Yep. Someone, anyone...give me moneys? Thats the reason I didnt go to the movies with the crew...I knew I couldnt affoard it.
Mom and I decided I shouldnt feel awkward around the house anymore just because I moved out doesnt mean I should stay out soo hmm.
I guess thats it. My horoscope said to expect suprises but I know the horoscope people are usually full of shit.
Bring on the boredom! and the Poorness! yeehaw...whatever.
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[26 Jan 2006|04:23pm] |
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Someone should make me a really really really cool pretty DO NOT DISTURB door hanger for the outside of my apartment so when i dont feel like company i can totally let the world outside know without confrontation. if you love me, youll design it all pretty and stuff...
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[26 Jan 2006|02:12pm] |
haha Im dumb! yes sir I am! Ok so heres the story...im all myspacin it at work like I know I shouldnt be doing..and this guy starts talking to me ( super hot by the way) and im all conversing back with this dude and then I end up having to go...yadda yadda...and like...it was all weird so hes like well do you have msgr and im all like are you a verizon user? and hes all yeah so i give him my number, then i logged off...well i started thinking about it and hes like 24.....and probably not single...so i get back on and msg him back and im like...ohh haha i didnt think about this but your woman wont kick my ass right? and hes all ooohhh haha..im married...
and then...i felt like a big idiot.
yep.
Now im ELjayin at work and i probably shouldnt be...
i couldnt resist.
so yeah....awkward.
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[22 Jan 2006|07:57pm] |
Things are going well right now so here is a little update
- it sucks not having the internet at my apartment I get so bored
- having to come home to do laundry
+ having great friends
+ i am learning to like my job
+ thinking more clearly
+++ Me and red hair kinda goes together now :)
I miss all of you and I hope things are going well.
Everything is pretty much running smoothly for me I mean I dont have really any complaints right now so i guess thats a plus, I think im going to go back to school in august and get this shit over with.
Rachel- wow I didnt think crossville really sucked everything out of you I mean you were pretty kickass while you were here. Im glad things are going well though. Its nice that you can call Nashville home. I mean the place not the people. I guess I just kinda feel bad because you did have friends here and youre dogging it so badly. I believed in you and knew you would make it out of here and live the way you wanted to but I think people bring you down not places.
Everyone crashed at my apartment this weekend. 11 bodies not counting me just spread out everywhere I didnt feel alone for once.
well Im off to finish up my laundry laters
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| Fuckin do it losers |
[12 Jan 2006|03:58pm] |
the problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really we know nothing about each other. so i want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. ask away.
then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.
Post your answers in a comment
1. Name:
2. Date of birth:
3. Where you live:
4. What makes you happy:
5. Currently listening/the last thing you listened to:
6. Do you read my journal?:
7. If yes, what makes it especially good or bad?:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment?:
10. Favourite place to spend time:
11. Favourite lyric:
12. The best time of the year:
RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song, or album:
PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Look at my friends-list and tell what you like about one of our mutual friends:
4. Put this in your journal so that I can tell you what I like about you.
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| Grapefruits? No. Grapenuts. |
[04 Jan 2006|09:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
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It is not what it is |
] |
THANKS FOR MAKING SURE
I REMEMBER WHAT IT FEELS LIKE :) WHAT A PAL. NO. SERIOUSLY.
gah fuck 06 already in the ass no lube...none.
you have grapenut grapenuts....no nuts. no balls...straight up pussyness. meow.
So today I need to clean the apartment up...its trashed.
youre a trash face.
No. stab me in the face!
Love.
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| Pretty Girl on Ecstasy |
[21 Dec 2005|10:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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Whatever |
] |
Well, really long time no update. I have successfully moved out completely. Its so wonderful to have my own space. It is a little lonely though...but oh well. My parents arent driving me crazy anymore and I can actually tell people to get the fuck out haha which is the best feeling in the world! Oh damn. I stopped biting my nails because well my acrylic nails fell off and my real nails were all long and pretty so I figured what the hell just let em grow. I quit smoking which feels wonderful thank god for severe upper respatory infections and severe ear infections. Bwahahaha. I love sickness it makes me want to start all over again. I have a new love for strawberry yogurt mmmm. PIZZA ROLLS AND RAMEN NOODLES kick so much ass. I found out im a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning my apartment. I get soooo pissed when people make messes. I couldnt sleep lastnight because I knew that things needed to be picked up so I got back up to clean. Haha...yeah. I yell at people alot too like im always telling B to " shut the fucking door youre letting the heat out" its so funny once you think about it . I care so much about shit I never seemed to care about before.
Dear Rachel: I love you. I miss you! Im proud of you and im always wishing you the best. If you want some good advice about apartments you need to let me call my aunt Lori who lives in Old Hickory now but she use to run Nashboro Villages and knows alot of really nice places for cheap.
Dear Allie: I love you. I miss you! I hope you are doing well girl. Im so sad that we havent talked in so long. Give me a call?
Amanda reserved me for tomorrow and Im Bens tonight and family's all weekend. I miss Michael so much he got all sad and told mom he felt like I was ignoring him. Im not, its just that I dont have time for shit anymore and when I am chilling I just dont feel like getting out and wasting my money on useless shit you know? Hmm I cant wait until turley comes back down.
Tara: Im sorry that weve kinda lost touch but you know things are still like always I hope they havent changed on your end.
and for my conclusion...
Welcome back Amber.
Oh yeah PS: I dont have the internet at my apartment yet so if you see me online and I dont reply to your msgs chances are im not there haha and its one of my nosey ass parents. :)
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[13 Dec 2005|03:43pm] |
OMFG OMFG I didnt rig it i swear how LOVERLY!
I love guano apes...so much.
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| Ohhhh life |
[12 Dec 2005|10:18pm] |
life...
is waiting for you...
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[27 Nov 2005|03:52pm] |
Shit fuckin sucks dude
shit fuckin sucks...
GOD DAMNIT IM FUCKING INSANE!!!!!!
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